


To who we used to be.

by WolfDogstar



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, M/M, Post-Azkaban
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2016-12-18
Packaged: 2018-09-09 10:25:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8887339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfDogstar/pseuds/WolfDogstar
Summary: Lie low at Lupin's





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fan fiction. please feel free to criticize.

Voldemort is back." That sentence followed by the morbid details that had accompanied the last task of the Tri-Wizard Tournament was the only thing they had spoken about since Sirius had turned up on Remus's front porch at 6'O clock on a summer evening.  
That was three days ago.  
What followed after was a very uncomfortable silence , followed by a meagre dinner in silence, followed by a comfortable silence as Sirius fell asleep on the sofa in front of the fireplace. Remus didn't know whether move Sirius to a more comfortable setting or not. The idea of being too close to Sirius still scared the hell out of him even after all these years. It was funny,Remus sarcastically thought, how the ghost of a man whom he had once known could still have such an effect on him after everything that has come to pass.  
'Because you still love him'.A small voice at the back of Remus's head reminded him. 

Remus didn't notice long he had been lost in his thoughts, when he realized that he was staring at Sirius's sleeping form. Sirius was been trembling. Remus snapped out of his thoughts and grabbed a blanket from his bedroom for Sirius. He added a heating charm to it before placing it on Sirius body and lit a fire. Sirius was still trembling." Azkaban does this to people." Remus thought. "the cold and chill never leave the bones"  
That night Remus fell asleep on the small couch beside the sofa. He slept fitfully, dreaming of forgotten times and laughter and red and black tousselled hair. He was woken up by Sirius's screaming. It was the nightmares. Remus was been frozen at first by the blood curling noise. He knew he should wake Sirius up but he could not gather up the courage. He wasn't exactly afraid of Sirius. He was afraid of seeing the pain and fear in Sirius's eyes. Ultimately he did something that he hadn't done for over a decade. He coaxed Sirius's hair and pushed them out of his face and rubbed soothing circles on his back. This had always calmed Sirius back when they were together. Remus was a little surprized and a little happy that even after all this time Sirius's subconscious remembers the familiar gesture. Eventually the screams died down replaced by soft sobs. The fire had gone off so Remus lit it again with a flicker of his wand and reapplied the heating charm to Sirius's blanket. Throughout rest of the night Remus watched Sirius. How his tangled muddied hair was thrown back away from his face, how the blanket rose and fell with each breadth Sirius took. It was a miracle, thought Remus, that the persons who had been dealt such a hand by God, even if such a thing existed, could still be living and breathing. Remus had had his bad time, his nightmares. Changing into a monster once a month isn't easy but what Sirius had gone through was worse. For over a decade Sirius had been living in his nightmares. Every mistake committed, every guilt was magnified in Azkaban. And though for Remus and the rest of the world it had been thirteen years, for Sirius it was just yesterday that he had seen James's and Lily's body in Godric's Hollow.   
Remus watched how Sirius's eyeballs moved under his eyelids. Maybe Sirius was dreaming of a better time, of better summer evenings filled with happiness. Remus wondered if Sirius ever dreamt of him.   
Even without Remus noticing dawn was upon them and Remus went about his daily activities as quietly as he could. He didn't want to wake Sirius up. It was afternoon when Sirius woke up. They ate together and sat together at the table for a long time but yet no words were spoken. Finally Remus couldn't take it anymore and broke the silence. "I have hot water. You can take a shower if you want to." Sirius jumped up at Remus's words. He was clearly taken by surprize. When he didn't say anything Remus added, " I have clean clothes and soap and you can take a bath and may be you will feel a little better". Remus didn't know what else to say. Sirius nodded. Remus provided all things necessary and showed Sirius the bathroom. He asked Sirius not to lock the door just in case there was any problem. He assured Sirius that he wouldn't walk into the room unless necessary. Still no words escaped Sirius's lips. He merely nodded at everything.It pained Remus to see Sirius like this. The Sirius he had know used to talk about everything and laugh so loud that everyone thought it was ridiculous . Remus wondered if that Sirius was still alive somewhere within the man who now occupied his bathroom. Remus was worried when Sirius had not come out after forty five minute. He called out to him a few time yet there was no answer. Very cautiously he entered the bathroom to find Sirius sitting in the bathtub with a vacant look on his face. His hollow eyes saw right past Remus. It was a long time after that Sirius focused on Remus and felt a little embarrassed when he realized that Remus had already washed his hair and body. The rest of the day was spent in silence. Remus spoke sometimes. He tried to state normal facts so that Sirius didn't feel obligated to answers. Remus understood that years of being confined alone might have take away Sirius ability to make long conversation or to talk unless when necessary. The next two days passed much the same with Remus doing all the talking.   
On the evening of the fourth day Remus returned home from the market to find Sirius sitting in front of the fire, tears streaming down his face. His heart clenched at the sight of the broke man. He went and sat in front of Sirius with his back towards the fire and asked Sirius what was wrong. He didn't expect an answer but still assured Sirius that he would always be there for him.  
"Why?" Sirius voice was hoarse.  
Remus was relieved to hear Sirius's voice after so many days. But he was also a little confused regarding what Sirius was talking about.  
"Why what Sirius?"  
"Why did you believe that I did it? How could you believe that I did it? How could you believe that I betrayed James and Lily? How could you believe that I had betrayed you? How did you live for 12 years believing that?" Sirius's voice was stone cold. But Remus had had a lifetime to think and rethink things and he quite easily answered, "I did not". That took Sirius by surprize. Remus saw it in Sirius's eyes, in the way they melted just a little. " I did not live for the past 13 years." Was all he said.   
"That's not what I meant.." Started Sirius .  
"Then what Sirius?"  
"I just..."  
" How could you ? How could you ever think that I was the traitor way back in 1980?" Remus shouted.  
" I thought that as you...."  
" You thought that I would change sides because I was a werewolf. How could you of all people think that? Weren't we similar? Weren't we both trying to outrun the darkness that ran in our blood? You were always trying to become a better man than what your family name made you and I was always trying to be a better man than the monster I was cursed to be. You told me that I was good. You had whispered it into my ears night after night like a mantra so that I could believe in myself then why, oh, why did you think that I would sell James and Lilly to Voldemort?" Remus had held all these questions in his heart for a lifetime. Once he started talking he found himself unable to stop.   
Sirius had been transfixed. He hadn't seen Remus like this in all of the time they had been together. He couldn't find words to say at first but then he said," I didn't want to believe you were the traitor. I loved you. But we were so divided back then and Peter was constantly poisoning me against you. But I never acted upon it. I never missed a full moon. I never wanted to believe that you could be bad. But I hadn't found the courage to tell you about the switch in the secret keeper. I just couldn't. But did you do anything about me going to Azkaban? Did you fight for me? You would have never known the truth had I not escaped. You didn't do anything."  
That broke Remus's heart.  
He crashed down on the couch head in his hands. He felt like shouting till his throat felt raw. But then in a broken voice he spoke," I was devastated when I heard the news. One of us had been the traitor. And since Peter was known to be dead it could be no one else but you. My mind screamed at me that I was wrong. For weeks I spoke to Dumbledore only about seeing you in Azkaban. I told him that you should be given a trail that I wanted to see you and know the truth for myself. But he turned me away every time saying that the guards at Azkaban would not let me see you. He told me over and over again that we had trusted the wrong person. I couldn't bear it. Two months later I left London and went away to Rome to seek work there. All I ever wanted to do was for you to be free and not guilty. I tried all that I could but it wasn't enough."  
"You did all that for me, moony?". Sirius asked using a nickname that Remus had believe he would never hear again. And at that he broke.  
All the pent up pain he had felt came crashing down upon him and he cried. At some point he noticed that Sirius had crawled up to him and was trying to hug him awkwardly.   
"Yes" sobbed Remus. "But it wasn't enough. You still suffered in that hell. You deserve better. You have always deserved better."  
" It was worse for you, Remus."  
Remus looked up at Sirius, blood shot eyes all confused.  
"It was worse for you" repeated Sirius. " I was in that prison but I knew the truth. I knew who was the killer. You...for you...you spent a long time....hating me." The last words were spoken in a soft voice. That idea that Remus could...no...had hated him for the past thirteen years made him want to tear his hairs out.   
"No" Remus said quietly. " I tried to. I tried to hate you. But I couldn't. I hated myself for loving you." Remus broke down again and babbled, " I wanted to hate you so much. Some days were good and others were bad. Some days I would think about the picture in the Daily Prophet....you laughing hysterically...and I hated you so much on those days...those days I let the wolf surface in me...i would want to rip your heart out..just so I could make you feel the pain I felt...other days were good. All I thought of was how we used to be in Hogwarts. There were some moments of purity clearly etched in my memory that i could not forget...how your face had once look in the candlelight...how you had look at me when James had thrown you in the black lake...and many more. Oh! How i love you Sirius!..."  
And Remus bit his lip at what he had just said. He had used a present tense.  
" You still...love..me?" Sirius was trying very hard to swallow the lump in his throat. How could Remus still love him?! He had thought that Remus was the traitor and the last time they had made love to each other Sirius had been very rough. He had been unable to keep his mind separated from his head and Remus had been hurt. Sirius shuddered at the thought. He loathed himself.   
" Oh Padfoot...of course I do!"  
And Sirius could take it no more. He kissed Remus full on the lips. It was very awkward at first. They were not able to convey their feelings but it was wet and genuine and Sirius felt warmth spread throughout him for the first time in thirteen years. He felt right at home and safe and comfortable. A plethora of emotions flowed through their veins and that night both of the made love like they were teenagers and in love. Their bodies fit perfectly. They could smell each other. 

Heaven, Sirius thought. This is heaven. He could smell old books and chocolate and warmth and sunshine on Remus. 

And Remus smelt heaven. Sirius. Just Sirius.


End file.
